Should I bring up Cancer?
Hi Friends, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Christina but everyone calls me Nina and last year I was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I am currently in remission, (almost one year) and this upcoming anniversary has me thinking about all the things I learned over the last year and a half. So I decided to restart this blog and write things down so I wouldn't forget #chemobrain.
So excuse me if this blog sometimes sounds like a diary post, or even a rant. I just really feel like I need to write these stories out and share how life has changed, hoping that someone out there will be blessed and encouraged.
Today lets talk about... talking about cancer with new friends. I would be the first to admit that I can sometimes be an awkward person...especially in social situations. Cancer intensified that. I didn't know and still quite don't know when is a good time to share about my journey with cancer (kinda the reason for this blog I guess).
Last year my husband and I moved to a new city, far from family and friends. I was at the end of my chemotherapy treatment. When chemo was over and I was feeling better, I wanted to start a new job, find a new church and new friends that I could hang out with in my area. I knew from my past that I would have a difficult time making new friends because I have difficulty reaching out to new people. But after a season of being sick, I desperately wanted to get out of the house and feel like I was living a normal life again.
But the fear of rejection is real. And on top of that I had a shaved head and a picc line in my arm, which only increased my anxiety in trying to talk to new people. As I tried to go to small group at church and talk to people at work, I would have so many questions and thoughts rolling through my brain.
"Does my hair make me look weird?"
"Can they tell that I am balding?"
"Will this interview be a waste of time because I look sick?"
"Should I bring up cancer?"
"Does my chemo brain make me sound dumb?"
There would be times when talking to new people, that I would think, "hmm should I share this moment from going through chemo or this lesson that God taught me during cancer?" It would relate to what the group was talking about but I just felt like cancer was always on my brain and that people would get tired of hearing about it or they would peg me as the cancer girl. These are all thoughts that would run through my head constantly. I feared that I wouldn't get a job or friends because of the way I looked and what I had been through.
Looking back I realized that I wasted so much time, energy and emotions over these fears. I believe that there is an enemy in this world and he wants to keep us down, because if we are down then its much harder to proclaim the kingdom of God. I had to start rebuking the lies in my head, the thoughts that I wasn't good enough, that people were judging me and that no one would care about what I've been through. I also had to start praying for God's help in navigating social situations and meeting new friends. And also get into the word of God, like they say "shame the devil and tell the truth", I needed to tell myself the truth which is that God has community for me, I am loved, I am beautiful and I am protected by my Lord and Savior.
As I slowly started to reach out to people, talking more and socializing, I realized that people are very understanding, kind and good listeners. I got a job and my coworkers complimented me on my "pixie haircut". I started sharing with people at church about my cancer diagnoses and people prayed for me. No one has ever told me to not talk about it or that I am talking to much about cancer...at least not yet.
So one of the reason I was so desperate for friendship was because a lot of friends and coworkers lost touch or decreased communication while I was going through treatment. I understand that when people don't see each other often they often lose contact and that life moves on, most people just focus on what is in front of them. And some people just have a hard time dealing with something as traumatic as cancer especially if they are already going through something difficult in their own life.
I understand.
That being said, I am thankful for the people that ask me questions about the last year a half of my life. I am thankful for those who are genuinely curious. And for those who will let me ramble on and on about everything and nothing.
As I grow in friendship, I am realizing that there is a time and a place to share my stories, that some people are not ready to listen to them and others are ready to hear about the life lessons I have heard. Friendship takes time to grow, patience is important and prayer is a must. There is a time to bring up cancer and I am learning to be graciously tenacious in doing so.
So excuse me if this blog sometimes sounds like a diary post, or even a rant. I just really feel like I need to write these stories out and share how life has changed, hoping that someone out there will be blessed and encouraged.
Today lets talk about... talking about cancer with new friends. I would be the first to admit that I can sometimes be an awkward person...especially in social situations. Cancer intensified that. I didn't know and still quite don't know when is a good time to share about my journey with cancer (kinda the reason for this blog I guess).
Last year my husband and I moved to a new city, far from family and friends. I was at the end of my chemotherapy treatment. When chemo was over and I was feeling better, I wanted to start a new job, find a new church and new friends that I could hang out with in my area. I knew from my past that I would have a difficult time making new friends because I have difficulty reaching out to new people. But after a season of being sick, I desperately wanted to get out of the house and feel like I was living a normal life again.
But the fear of rejection is real. And on top of that I had a shaved head and a picc line in my arm, which only increased my anxiety in trying to talk to new people. As I tried to go to small group at church and talk to people at work, I would have so many questions and thoughts rolling through my brain.
"Does my hair make me look weird?"
"Can they tell that I am balding?"
"Will this interview be a waste of time because I look sick?"
"Should I bring up cancer?"
"Does my chemo brain make me sound dumb?"
There would be times when talking to new people, that I would think, "hmm should I share this moment from going through chemo or this lesson that God taught me during cancer?" It would relate to what the group was talking about but I just felt like cancer was always on my brain and that people would get tired of hearing about it or they would peg me as the cancer girl. These are all thoughts that would run through my head constantly. I feared that I wouldn't get a job or friends because of the way I looked and what I had been through.
Looking back I realized that I wasted so much time, energy and emotions over these fears. I believe that there is an enemy in this world and he wants to keep us down, because if we are down then its much harder to proclaim the kingdom of God. I had to start rebuking the lies in my head, the thoughts that I wasn't good enough, that people were judging me and that no one would care about what I've been through. I also had to start praying for God's help in navigating social situations and meeting new friends. And also get into the word of God, like they say "shame the devil and tell the truth", I needed to tell myself the truth which is that God has community for me, I am loved, I am beautiful and I am protected by my Lord and Savior.
As I slowly started to reach out to people, talking more and socializing, I realized that people are very understanding, kind and good listeners. I got a job and my coworkers complimented me on my "pixie haircut". I started sharing with people at church about my cancer diagnoses and people prayed for me. No one has ever told me to not talk about it or that I am talking to much about cancer...at least not yet.
So one of the reason I was so desperate for friendship was because a lot of friends and coworkers lost touch or decreased communication while I was going through treatment. I understand that when people don't see each other often they often lose contact and that life moves on, most people just focus on what is in front of them. And some people just have a hard time dealing with something as traumatic as cancer especially if they are already going through something difficult in their own life.
I understand.
That being said, I am thankful for the people that ask me questions about the last year a half of my life. I am thankful for those who are genuinely curious. And for those who will let me ramble on and on about everything and nothing.
As I grow in friendship, I am realizing that there is a time and a place to share my stories, that some people are not ready to listen to them and others are ready to hear about the life lessons I have heard. Friendship takes time to grow, patience is important and prayer is a must. There is a time to bring up cancer and I am learning to be graciously tenacious in doing so.
thanks for sharing! :) I'm glad you do, as it also helps answers i can be too chicken to ask. :P
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